Thursday, November 12, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Maybe take up reading or something
Customer: I can't get online! My computer says that there's no signal from the modem.
Me: It actually says that? In those words?
Customer: Yeah, there's this little thing floating around my screen that says No Signal
Me: Oh! That just means that your monitor isn't plugged into your computer
Customer: What do you mean? This is my computer...
Me: No, that's the monitor. It needs to be hooked up to your computer, you know, the tower.
Customer: You mean I actually need that??? I thought it was just some stupid marketing ploy to get people to spend more money!
Me: It actually says that? In those words?
Customer: Yeah, there's this little thing floating around my screen that says No Signal
Me: Oh! That just means that your monitor isn't plugged into your computer
Customer: What do you mean? This is my computer...
Me: No, that's the monitor. It needs to be hooked up to your computer, you know, the tower.
Customer: You mean I actually need that??? I thought it was just some stupid marketing ploy to get people to spend more money!
We do cable, not Star Wars shit...
Me: Ok, it looks like there's something wrong w/ the cable outside your house. Possibly animal chew or something. So I'm gonna have to send someone out there to take a look at it.
Customer: Animal chew???! This is the 21st century! Why haven't you guys developed some kind of technology to keep animals off my cable? This is bulshit!
Me: Well, we obviously can't just keep animals away from things that are outside...
Customer: Yes you can! Use technology!
Me: What exactly do you have in mind when you say technology?
Customer: I dunno, like, force fields or something...
Customer: Animal chew???! This is the 21st century! Why haven't you guys developed some kind of technology to keep animals off my cable? This is bulshit!
Me: Well, we obviously can't just keep animals away from things that are outside...
Customer: Yes you can! Use technology!
Me: What exactly do you have in mind when you say technology?
Customer: I dunno, like, force fields or something...
That'll definitely fix it
Me: Unplug the power cord to your modem.
Customer: Ok
(CRASH)
Me: Uh, what just happened?
Customer: I unplugged my computer and threw it on the floor...
Me: You threw your computer on the floor??? Why??
Customer: You just told me to!
Me: No I didn't! I told you to unplug your modem!
Customer: No, you told me to throw my computer on the ground. Now it's broken. Can you fix it?
Me: NO
Customer: Ok
(CRASH)
Me: Uh, what just happened?
Customer: I unplugged my computer and threw it on the floor...
Me: You threw your computer on the floor??? Why??
Customer: You just told me to!
Me: No I didn't! I told you to unplug your modem!
Customer: No, you told me to throw my computer on the ground. Now it's broken. Can you fix it?
Me: NO
Yeah, they run on magic now...
Me: Go ahead and unplug the power cord to your router.
Customer: There is no power cord.
Me: Well, no, I can guarantee you that there is definitely a power cord
Customer: NO TRUST ME. I know what I'm talking about. THERE IS NO POWER CORD
Me: *sigh*
Customer: There is no power cord.
Me: Well, no, I can guarantee you that there is definitely a power cord
Customer: NO TRUST ME. I know what I'm talking about. THERE IS NO POWER CORD
Me: *sigh*
Uber Bitch
Customer: I have no dial tone.
Me: Ok, I'll take a look at that. Can I get your phone number?
Customer: Before you look at my account, I want to tell you what's going on.
Me: Ok
Customer: I switched my account into my mom's name, and now i have no dial tone.
Me: Ah, ok, so when that happens, we actually have to cancel the original account and open a new one in the new name, and during that process, the phone won't work for a little bit, and we just have to wait for the order to close so we can provision the phone number again.
Customer: Well, you're just saying that, and I don't really believe you. Are you even looking at my account?
Me: Well, no, I haven't gotten your info yet...can I get your phone number?
Customer: You know what?? I don't like you. You're rude and you're asking me questions that don't matter, and you're not giving me the information I'm asking for.
Me: Well ma'am, I can definitely give you the info, if I could get your phone number...
Customer: NO! I don't want to talk to you. Transfer me to someone else!
Me: I'm sorry, but we can't just transfer you back into our queue...
Customer: Well then I want to talk to your supervisor! I'm going to get you fired!
Me: Ok, well I can give him you're info, but he's on lunch right now, so he'd have to call you back in an hour or so
Customer: NO! That is unacceptable. Let me talk to someone else in your department. I know you can do it. You don't know who I've worked for, you don't know who I am!
Me: No, I don't, because you haven't given me your phone number....
Customer: Don't talk to me like that! I'll give you my number, then you can open my account so your id gets stamped all over the account, then I'll hang up and call back and complain about you and get you fired!
Me: Well, I'm more than willing to look at your account, but only if you allow me to try to help you.
Customer: NO! Let me get you fired!!!
Me: Um, I'm sorry, but why would you think I would let you even try that? You can complain about me all you want, cause all I've done is my job, but I'm not going to purposely help you try to get me fired.
Customer: You should help me do that! Because I'm the customer, and I'm always right!!!
Me: Well, yes, but I'm sorry, it's looking like there's nothing I can help you with from here since you're being uncooperative.
Customer: OH MY! Have fun getting fired asshole!
(5 mins later I get another call, and it's her. She hears my name and screams and hangs up again. Another 5 mins later, someone sitting next to me gets her and ends up telling her that he personally fired me. She believed him.)
Me: Ok, I'll take a look at that. Can I get your phone number?
Customer: Before you look at my account, I want to tell you what's going on.
Me: Ok
Customer: I switched my account into my mom's name, and now i have no dial tone.
Me: Ah, ok, so when that happens, we actually have to cancel the original account and open a new one in the new name, and during that process, the phone won't work for a little bit, and we just have to wait for the order to close so we can provision the phone number again.
Customer: Well, you're just saying that, and I don't really believe you. Are you even looking at my account?
Me: Well, no, I haven't gotten your info yet...can I get your phone number?
Customer: You know what?? I don't like you. You're rude and you're asking me questions that don't matter, and you're not giving me the information I'm asking for.
Me: Well ma'am, I can definitely give you the info, if I could get your phone number...
Customer: NO! I don't want to talk to you. Transfer me to someone else!
Me: I'm sorry, but we can't just transfer you back into our queue...
Customer: Well then I want to talk to your supervisor! I'm going to get you fired!
Me: Ok, well I can give him you're info, but he's on lunch right now, so he'd have to call you back in an hour or so
Customer: NO! That is unacceptable. Let me talk to someone else in your department. I know you can do it. You don't know who I've worked for, you don't know who I am!
Me: No, I don't, because you haven't given me your phone number....
Customer: Don't talk to me like that! I'll give you my number, then you can open my account so your id gets stamped all over the account, then I'll hang up and call back and complain about you and get you fired!
Me: Well, I'm more than willing to look at your account, but only if you allow me to try to help you.
Customer: NO! Let me get you fired!!!
Me: Um, I'm sorry, but why would you think I would let you even try that? You can complain about me all you want, cause all I've done is my job, but I'm not going to purposely help you try to get me fired.
Customer: You should help me do that! Because I'm the customer, and I'm always right!!!
Me: Well, yes, but I'm sorry, it's looking like there's nothing I can help you with from here since you're being uncooperative.
Customer: OH MY! Have fun getting fired asshole!
(5 mins later I get another call, and it's her. She hears my name and screams and hangs up again. Another 5 mins later, someone sitting next to me gets her and ends up telling her that he personally fired me. She believed him.)
Click Clack...
Customer: I can't get online.
Me: Ok, what does it say in the address bar?
Customer: Address bar? What's that?
Me: It's the big long white bar at the top where you type in the address you want to go to.
Customer: Oh! Ok. It's blank.
Me: Ok, go ahead and type in google.com
(in background): *click* *clack* *clickity* *clack*
Me: Uh...excuse me, but are you on a typewriter???
Customer: Uh, yeah...what's wrong with that?
Me: How did you expect to get online??
Customer: I tied the ethernet cord from the modem to it...
Me: You TIED it??
Customer: Yeah
Me: Oh God...ok, unfortunately, there's nothing I can help you with.
Me: Ok, what does it say in the address bar?
Customer: Address bar? What's that?
Me: It's the big long white bar at the top where you type in the address you want to go to.
Customer: Oh! Ok. It's blank.
Me: Ok, go ahead and type in google.com
(in background): *click* *clack* *clickity* *clack*
Me: Uh...excuse me, but are you on a typewriter???
Customer: Uh, yeah...what's wrong with that?
Me: How did you expect to get online??
Customer: I tied the ethernet cord from the modem to it...
Me: You TIED it??
Customer: Yeah
Me: Oh God...ok, unfortunately, there's nothing I can help you with.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
A rabbit should work just fine too...
Me: Do you have a router hooked up to your modem?
Customer: Uhh, hold on.
Customer (yelling to someone in background): Do we have a rabbit hooked up to our modem??
Customer: Yeah, we have a rabbit.
Me: Ok.
Customer: Uhh, hold on.
Customer (yelling to someone in background): Do we have a rabbit hooked up to our modem??
Customer: Yeah, we have a rabbit.
Me: Ok.
ADD
Customer: I can't log in to Windows
Me: Well, ok, I can get you Microsoft's tech support number
Customer: I don't want to talk to them, they're rude
Me: Ok, well, unfortunately there's not much I can help you w/ then...
Customer: I'm gonna try this, no I'm not
Me: Ok....
Customer: No, I'm gonna try this. But I'm not gonna tell anyone what I'm gonna do. Not even you. But no, I'm gonna tell you
Me: Ok...
Customer: No I'm not. I'm gonna talk to the nerd squad
Me: Oh, you mean Geek Squad?
Customer: No! They're nerds!
Me: Ok...well, did you want their number?
Customer: Oh my God no! They're crazy! I dont even like nerds!
Me: Ok....
Customer: I have ADD. Can you imagine??? I can't even imagine someone w/ ADD!
Me: Ok....
Customer: I'm hysterical. I'm a woman. What do I do???
Me: Uhhh...I can give you Microsoft's number....
Customer: No! They're so rude. They don't even know about computers. I like the nerd squad better! But theyre stupid nerds.
Me: Ok, well I guess I'm not really sure what I can do for you then...
Customer: I guess I'll hang up then and turn off my computer.
Me: Ok, well have a nice night
Customer: Oh my God. You're so kind! I don't even know what to say! Well, I guess I'll just say goodbye. Goodbye!
Me: Well, ok, I can get you Microsoft's tech support number
Customer: I don't want to talk to them, they're rude
Me: Ok, well, unfortunately there's not much I can help you w/ then...
Customer: I'm gonna try this, no I'm not
Me: Ok....
Customer: No, I'm gonna try this. But I'm not gonna tell anyone what I'm gonna do. Not even you. But no, I'm gonna tell you
Me: Ok...
Customer: No I'm not. I'm gonna talk to the nerd squad
Me: Oh, you mean Geek Squad?
Customer: No! They're nerds!
Me: Ok...well, did you want their number?
Customer: Oh my God no! They're crazy! I dont even like nerds!
Me: Ok....
Customer: I have ADD. Can you imagine??? I can't even imagine someone w/ ADD!
Me: Ok....
Customer: I'm hysterical. I'm a woman. What do I do???
Me: Uhhh...I can give you Microsoft's number....
Customer: No! They're so rude. They don't even know about computers. I like the nerd squad better! But theyre stupid nerds.
Me: Ok, well I guess I'm not really sure what I can do for you then...
Customer: I guess I'll hang up then and turn off my computer.
Me: Ok, well have a nice night
Customer: Oh my God. You're so kind! I don't even know what to say! Well, I guess I'll just say goodbye. Goodbye!
The many ways to incorrectly pronounce Linksys
-Leenskee
-Lynnsis
-That Russian one....
-Link...sa?
-Loonksee
-Lanskis
-Leeeenseeee
-Launskeez
-Linkskies made by Crisco
-Lynnsis
-That Russian one....
-Link...sa?
-Loonksee
-Lanskis
-Leeeenseeee
-Launskeez
-Linkskies made by Crisco
I called you...
Me: This is Nate with *******, how can I help you?
Customer: Hello?
Me: Yeah...this is Nate with *******...
Customer: Oh! Uhhhh, hi!
*silence*
Me: Hello?
Customer: What do you want???
Customer: Hello?
Me: Yeah...this is Nate with *******...
Customer: Oh! Uhhhh, hi!
*silence*
Me: Hello?
Customer: What do you want???
IT is short for idiot
Customer: Don't treat me like an idiot! I know what I'm doing! I'm an IT person at work!!!
Me: Ok, that's fine. Do you have a router hooked up to your modem?
Customer: What the FUCK is a router????
Me: Ok, that's fine. Do you have a router hooked up to your modem?
Customer: What the FUCK is a router????
That should work just fine.
Customer: I just bought a new modem, and I can't get online.
Me: Ok, do you have it hooked up to the cable?
Customer: No, it's still in the box.
Me: Ok, well that's why you can't get online.
Me: Ok, do you have it hooked up to the cable?
Customer: No, it's still in the box.
Me: Ok, well that's why you can't get online.
Thinking real hard
Customer: We, um, have, um, your, um, internet, um, service, um, and, um, its, um, not, um, working, ummmmmm, yeah.
Me: Wow, ok...can I get your phone number?
Customer: *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *.
Me: Wow, ok...can I get your phone number?
Customer: *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *, um, *.
I'm obviously an IDIOT
Me: Can I get your phone number?
Customer: Can you GET it??
Me: Yeahhh....
Customer: Its **********
Me: Ok, and your address?
Customer: What the fuck do you mean, and?? And my address?? My address is *******
Me: *sigh* Ok, thanks, and what was your name?
Customer: What WAS my name?? My name has always been the same you idiot. Its ******
Me: *siiggghhhhh* Ok, and is your computer on?
Customer: Everything is hooked up.
Me: Ok, but is your computer on?
Customer: I just told you that!
Me: Well, ok....whatever. And do you have a router hooked up to the modem?
Customer: Are you a fucking idiot?
Me: No, its a simple question, do you have a router hooked up to the modem?
Customer: Yes!
Me: Ok, and what brand is that?
Customer: What brand is what??
Me: The router....
Customer: GOD YOU'RE FUCKING STUPID!
Me: No, sir actually I'm not, its a SIMPLE QUESTION
Customer: NETGEAR! IDIOT!
Me: Ok, THANK YOU. Go ahead and unplug just the power cord to just the Netgear router.
Customer: Oh my God! Are you fucking drunk??
Me: No? What are you talking about sir? All I've done is ask you extremely simple questions and you've been fighting me ever step of the way.
Customer: Because you're a fucking dumbass!!!
*hangs up*
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