Me: Do you see a big blue "E" on your desktop?
Customer: There sure as hell better not be a big blue "E" on my desktop! This is a brand new desk!
(Customer puts down phone and starts yelling at his kid for drawing on the desk.)
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I'm sorry, are you from the past?
Me: Go ahead and press the home button on your iPhone.
Customer: The what button?
Me: The home button, it's the only button on the front of the phone, it's the little round one.
Customer: Oh, ok I see it. You want me to press it?
Me: Yeah
Customer: (long silence) ....how?
Customer: The what button?
Me: The home button, it's the only button on the front of the phone, it's the little round one.
Customer: Oh, ok I see it. You want me to press it?
Me: Yeah
Customer: (long silence) ....how?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Maybe take up reading or something
Customer: I can't get online! My computer says that there's no signal from the modem.
Me: It actually says that? In those words?
Customer: Yeah, there's this little thing floating around my screen that says No Signal
Me: Oh! That just means that your monitor isn't plugged into your computer
Customer: What do you mean? This is my computer...
Me: No, that's the monitor. It needs to be hooked up to your computer, you know, the tower.
Customer: You mean I actually need that??? I thought it was just some stupid marketing ploy to get people to spend more money!
Me: It actually says that? In those words?
Customer: Yeah, there's this little thing floating around my screen that says No Signal
Me: Oh! That just means that your monitor isn't plugged into your computer
Customer: What do you mean? This is my computer...
Me: No, that's the monitor. It needs to be hooked up to your computer, you know, the tower.
Customer: You mean I actually need that??? I thought it was just some stupid marketing ploy to get people to spend more money!
We do cable, not Star Wars shit...
Me: Ok, it looks like there's something wrong w/ the cable outside your house. Possibly animal chew or something. So I'm gonna have to send someone out there to take a look at it.
Customer: Animal chew???! This is the 21st century! Why haven't you guys developed some kind of technology to keep animals off my cable? This is bulshit!
Me: Well, we obviously can't just keep animals away from things that are outside...
Customer: Yes you can! Use technology!
Me: What exactly do you have in mind when you say technology?
Customer: I dunno, like, force fields or something...
Customer: Animal chew???! This is the 21st century! Why haven't you guys developed some kind of technology to keep animals off my cable? This is bulshit!
Me: Well, we obviously can't just keep animals away from things that are outside...
Customer: Yes you can! Use technology!
Me: What exactly do you have in mind when you say technology?
Customer: I dunno, like, force fields or something...
That'll definitely fix it
Me: Unplug the power cord to your modem.
Customer: Ok
(CRASH)
Me: Uh, what just happened?
Customer: I unplugged my computer and threw it on the floor...
Me: You threw your computer on the floor??? Why??
Customer: You just told me to!
Me: No I didn't! I told you to unplug your modem!
Customer: No, you told me to throw my computer on the ground. Now it's broken. Can you fix it?
Me: NO
Customer: Ok
(CRASH)
Me: Uh, what just happened?
Customer: I unplugged my computer and threw it on the floor...
Me: You threw your computer on the floor??? Why??
Customer: You just told me to!
Me: No I didn't! I told you to unplug your modem!
Customer: No, you told me to throw my computer on the ground. Now it's broken. Can you fix it?
Me: NO
Yeah, they run on magic now...
Me: Go ahead and unplug the power cord to your router.
Customer: There is no power cord.
Me: Well, no, I can guarantee you that there is definitely a power cord
Customer: NO TRUST ME. I know what I'm talking about. THERE IS NO POWER CORD
Me: *sigh*
Customer: There is no power cord.
Me: Well, no, I can guarantee you that there is definitely a power cord
Customer: NO TRUST ME. I know what I'm talking about. THERE IS NO POWER CORD
Me: *sigh*
Uber Bitch
Customer: I have no dial tone.
Me: Ok, I'll take a look at that. Can I get your phone number?
Customer: Before you look at my account, I want to tell you what's going on.
Me: Ok
Customer: I switched my account into my mom's name, and now i have no dial tone.
Me: Ah, ok, so when that happens, we actually have to cancel the original account and open a new one in the new name, and during that process, the phone won't work for a little bit, and we just have to wait for the order to close so we can provision the phone number again.
Customer: Well, you're just saying that, and I don't really believe you. Are you even looking at my account?
Me: Well, no, I haven't gotten your info yet...can I get your phone number?
Customer: You know what?? I don't like you. You're rude and you're asking me questions that don't matter, and you're not giving me the information I'm asking for.
Me: Well ma'am, I can definitely give you the info, if I could get your phone number...
Customer: NO! I don't want to talk to you. Transfer me to someone else!
Me: I'm sorry, but we can't just transfer you back into our queue...
Customer: Well then I want to talk to your supervisor! I'm going to get you fired!
Me: Ok, well I can give him you're info, but he's on lunch right now, so he'd have to call you back in an hour or so
Customer: NO! That is unacceptable. Let me talk to someone else in your department. I know you can do it. You don't know who I've worked for, you don't know who I am!
Me: No, I don't, because you haven't given me your phone number....
Customer: Don't talk to me like that! I'll give you my number, then you can open my account so your id gets stamped all over the account, then I'll hang up and call back and complain about you and get you fired!
Me: Well, I'm more than willing to look at your account, but only if you allow me to try to help you.
Customer: NO! Let me get you fired!!!
Me: Um, I'm sorry, but why would you think I would let you even try that? You can complain about me all you want, cause all I've done is my job, but I'm not going to purposely help you try to get me fired.
Customer: You should help me do that! Because I'm the customer, and I'm always right!!!
Me: Well, yes, but I'm sorry, it's looking like there's nothing I can help you with from here since you're being uncooperative.
Customer: OH MY! Have fun getting fired asshole!
(5 mins later I get another call, and it's her. She hears my name and screams and hangs up again. Another 5 mins later, someone sitting next to me gets her and ends up telling her that he personally fired me. She believed him.)
Me: Ok, I'll take a look at that. Can I get your phone number?
Customer: Before you look at my account, I want to tell you what's going on.
Me: Ok
Customer: I switched my account into my mom's name, and now i have no dial tone.
Me: Ah, ok, so when that happens, we actually have to cancel the original account and open a new one in the new name, and during that process, the phone won't work for a little bit, and we just have to wait for the order to close so we can provision the phone number again.
Customer: Well, you're just saying that, and I don't really believe you. Are you even looking at my account?
Me: Well, no, I haven't gotten your info yet...can I get your phone number?
Customer: You know what?? I don't like you. You're rude and you're asking me questions that don't matter, and you're not giving me the information I'm asking for.
Me: Well ma'am, I can definitely give you the info, if I could get your phone number...
Customer: NO! I don't want to talk to you. Transfer me to someone else!
Me: I'm sorry, but we can't just transfer you back into our queue...
Customer: Well then I want to talk to your supervisor! I'm going to get you fired!
Me: Ok, well I can give him you're info, but he's on lunch right now, so he'd have to call you back in an hour or so
Customer: NO! That is unacceptable. Let me talk to someone else in your department. I know you can do it. You don't know who I've worked for, you don't know who I am!
Me: No, I don't, because you haven't given me your phone number....
Customer: Don't talk to me like that! I'll give you my number, then you can open my account so your id gets stamped all over the account, then I'll hang up and call back and complain about you and get you fired!
Me: Well, I'm more than willing to look at your account, but only if you allow me to try to help you.
Customer: NO! Let me get you fired!!!
Me: Um, I'm sorry, but why would you think I would let you even try that? You can complain about me all you want, cause all I've done is my job, but I'm not going to purposely help you try to get me fired.
Customer: You should help me do that! Because I'm the customer, and I'm always right!!!
Me: Well, yes, but I'm sorry, it's looking like there's nothing I can help you with from here since you're being uncooperative.
Customer: OH MY! Have fun getting fired asshole!
(5 mins later I get another call, and it's her. She hears my name and screams and hangs up again. Another 5 mins later, someone sitting next to me gets her and ends up telling her that he personally fired me. She believed him.)
Click Clack...
Customer: I can't get online.
Me: Ok, what does it say in the address bar?
Customer: Address bar? What's that?
Me: It's the big long white bar at the top where you type in the address you want to go to.
Customer: Oh! Ok. It's blank.
Me: Ok, go ahead and type in google.com
(in background): *click* *clack* *clickity* *clack*
Me: Uh...excuse me, but are you on a typewriter???
Customer: Uh, yeah...what's wrong with that?
Me: How did you expect to get online??
Customer: I tied the ethernet cord from the modem to it...
Me: You TIED it??
Customer: Yeah
Me: Oh God...ok, unfortunately, there's nothing I can help you with.
Me: Ok, what does it say in the address bar?
Customer: Address bar? What's that?
Me: It's the big long white bar at the top where you type in the address you want to go to.
Customer: Oh! Ok. It's blank.
Me: Ok, go ahead and type in google.com
(in background): *click* *clack* *clickity* *clack*
Me: Uh...excuse me, but are you on a typewriter???
Customer: Uh, yeah...what's wrong with that?
Me: How did you expect to get online??
Customer: I tied the ethernet cord from the modem to it...
Me: You TIED it??
Customer: Yeah
Me: Oh God...ok, unfortunately, there's nothing I can help you with.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
A rabbit should work just fine too...
Me: Do you have a router hooked up to your modem?
Customer: Uhh, hold on.
Customer (yelling to someone in background): Do we have a rabbit hooked up to our modem??
Customer: Yeah, we have a rabbit.
Me: Ok.
Customer: Uhh, hold on.
Customer (yelling to someone in background): Do we have a rabbit hooked up to our modem??
Customer: Yeah, we have a rabbit.
Me: Ok.
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